


Chocolate (A Remix)

by slytheringurrl



Category: White Collar
Genre: Alternate Universe - Crack, Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-04-16
Updated: 2014-04-16
Packaged: 2018-01-19 16:31:19
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,024
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1476445
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/slytheringurrl/pseuds/slytheringurrl
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"I just can't help but eat it," he moaned.  "It's just sitting there and I just have to take it."</p>
            </blockquote>





	Chocolate (A Remix)

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Turtlebaby](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Turtlebaby/gifts).
  * Inspired by [Noodles](https://archiveofourown.org/works/1085155) by [Turtlebaby](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Turtlebaby/pseuds/Turtlebaby). 



> So, this is basically a funny crack!fic that was loosely based off Gabrielle Zevin's _[All These Things I've Done](http://www.goodreads.com/book/show/9858517-all-these-things-i-ve-done)_ and [this article](http://www.opensocietyfoundations.org/voices/chocolate-real-gateway-drug).

"Get back and don't you dare touch that!"  Neal instantly recoiled when he heard Peter's loud voice yelling at him.   He turned around and looked innocently at the older man.  "What?" he asked innocently.  "I wasn't planning on taking anything."  
  
"Oh really?  Then, why have you been eyeing that chocolate for the past half an hour?"  Peter shook his head.  "You need to stop eating all of the chocolate."  
  
Neal just threw his hands up in the air in frustration.  "I just can't help but eat it," he moaned.  "It's just sitting there and I just have to take it."  
  
Just then, Diana decided to walk past Neal's desk and when she saw the little pieces of foil around his desk, her eyes widened.  "Oh, Neal. You did not!"  
  
Neal blushed slightly.  "It was calling to me," he sighed.  "What was I supposed to do?  Not eat it?"  
  
She pursed her lips and nodded.  "I think you have a problem with this whole chocolate-eating thing."  
  
\---  
  
Neal glanced at the stack of chocolates on his kitchen table.  There were so many and he couldn't pick.  He had a bottle of Cabernet Sauvignon and the Lindt 70% Cocoa would go fantastically with it but at the same time, he just wanted to eat some Snickers bars.  Oh, the decisions he was being forced to make.    
  
Finally, he just settled for a few Snickers bars with a glass of champagne.  It sounded strange to the untrained eye, but honestly, it was delicious.    
  
\---  
  
"You were eating again, weren't you?"  Peter asked as he took one look at his C.I.  
  
"No!" the younger man denied half-heartedly.  "It wasn't a lot, really. I only had a few bars.  That's all."  
  
"And, I can just see it in your face that you want more," Peter remarked grimly.  "Maybe you should consider stopping or you could substitute this habit for something else that'll be better for you."  
  
"Like what?"  
  
"You could run or even start playing Parcheesi with Mozzie and June.  Just do something that doesn't involve you shoving chocolate into your mouth at all times of the day.  It's highly unprofessional."  Peter patted Neal's head lightly.  "I'm just hoping that this is some phase you're going through."  
  
Unfortunately for Peter, it wasn't a phase.  Three weeks later, Neal was still eating chocolate like it was going out of fashion and now; he'd taken to swallowing down the food with expensive wine.  The situation was only getting worse.    
  
"We need to help him," Diana said as she and Peter watched Neal unwrap yet another piece of Dove dark chocolate and shove it in his mouth.  "All he's been doing is eating!"  
  
"You're right.  We need to intervene," Peter agreed.  He glanced at Neal and shook his head.  Just yesterday, Neal was trying to sneak some chocolate into a crime scene and that was the last straw.  "This problem needs to be stopped."  
  
"How should we stop it?"  
  
"Let me ask El to talk to Neal," Peter suggested.  "She somehow has a way of getting through his head.  And worst comes to worst, we could always ask Mozzie."  
  
\---  
  
"Just hear me out."  Elizabeth placed a gentle hand on Neal's knee and smiled at him.  "You can't let something like chocolate control your life.  Do you really want to be dependent on something?"  
  
Neal shook his head.  "No, not really."  
  
"Then, take my advice and go see a therapist.  They work wonders and I think that it'll help you get over this."  
  
"Okay."  Neal slowly nodded.  "I'll give it a try.  I really do want to get over this."  
  
"I know you do," Elizabeth said sympathetically.  "We're all here to help you – me, Peter, Mozzie, even Diana and Jones.  We're going to make sure that you stop eating chocolate until you can handle it in moderation."  
  
Neal nodded.  "I'll try my best," he promised.  "I really do want to move on from this."  
  
\---  
  
"I think I'm addicted to chocolate and wine."  
  
"You really think that?"  Dr. Stephenson had come highly recommended and Neal could only hope that he would be able to cure his strange fascination with the sweet, buttery goodness that chocolate was.   But, it seemed like nobody believed him.    
  
"I really do think that.   I just cannot stop eating it!" Neal exclaimed as he ran his hands through his hair in frustration.     
  
"Well, maybe your addiction to wine is causing this," the doctor reasoned.  "I don't think you can actually be addicted to chocolate."  
  
"Well, I wasn't drinking this much wine until I started eating all this candy.  So, can you give me a pill or something to make this stop?"  
  
"Yeah I can give you something but you're going to have to go on detox for a long time, Mr. Caffrey.  Honestly, I'd stay away from wine for a while too because that could cause you to crave chocolate."    
  
"I can do this," Neal assured himself.  "I can stop eating chocolate."  
  
\---  
  
"I'm completely done with chocolate," Neal announced to Peter as they waited for the barista to arrive with their coffee.  "I feel better already."  
  
"You're quitting cold turkey?"  
  
"Yeah.  I haven't eaten a single piece all weekend long and I gave Moz all my bottles of wine.  Aren't you proud of me?"  
  
"Yes but how long do you think this is going to last?" Peter asked, looking at his C.I. uncertainly.    
  
"Oh, it's going to last," Neal muttered.  "I need to stay sharp and this thing that I had with chocolate had been stopping me from reaching my full potential so it's over.  I can't be this attached to something that I won't even remember eating the next day."  
  
Peter nodded. "I'm glad that you're making an effort to get over this.  I'm really proud of you, Neal."  
  
"Thank you, Peter.  I'm glad that I'm doing this too."  
  
\---  
  
"Want a piece?"  Kellan, one of the new agents, offered as he showed Neal a bar of Milky Way.    
  
"No thanks," Neal replied.  "I don't eat chocolate."  
  
"Are you lactose-intolerant?"  the other agent asked curiously.  "That must really suck."  
  
"Not exactly," Neal muttered.  "It's a little more complicated than that."  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  



End file.
